(this didn't go through a workshop, I'd love your critique!)
VIEW OF A BEHOLDER
as if a pair of chapped lips kissed creases
of steel in the folds of blue your lashes shade.
In the depths of your eyes I see the ocean,
clear, bottomless, pure, fringed with the sun's
dazzling reflection as your smile gently
reshapes the waters within. The power
of your eyes unnerve my shoes they shake me
so much. It's almost as if I've tripped on
my stomach simply because the steady
coolness of your eyes, so confident and
knowing, touched mine, a protected green, a
forest hidden. In that second I see
a future full of friendship and laughter
and love (?) resonate... and yet I look away.
I always look away.
~Jomi
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Hey, sorry I didn't respond earlier. I like this poem and think it can be improved tremendously. Certain parts are quite strong, and some just need a little tweaking.
The first two lines I have probably read ten or fifteen times, trying to figure it out. At first, I didn't know why it just FELT wrong to read, and I think it's because it sounds more like an introductory clause (the "as if" gives it this feeling). I'm kinda waiting for a comma and then the actual bulk of the sentence. Anyway, it SOUNDS great. When I read it out loud, I loved how it sounded. The p's, and then the s's, and then "lashes shade"--wow. However, there's a problem: I can't quite figure out what's going on. What I got out of it was that someone's kissing--something. Kissing someone's eyes? To me, lashes seemed to mean eyelashes, or maybe the person is kissing WHERE the lashes shade, and depending on the length of the eyelashes...
So, a little confusion there, but a little more clarity could fix it up. I love your word choice.
Change the comma after "ocean" (third line) to a colon. That's my only qualm--this sentence is my favorite part of the poem. Most of the time when people use oceans to describe someone else (like their eyes), it's annoying, trite, and born out of the inability to make a more unique metaphor/simile. This is fresh, though! Oh yeah, maybe switch "pure" with "bottomless." For some reason, I stumbled when I read that out loud, and it just sounds better. Maybe it's the syllable order in the series. I think what makes this metaphor so beautiful is how you use the sun's effect on the water (or the ocean's effect on the sun) to complicate the image. Complication is probably what makes this metaphor so wonderful--it really makes me want to visualize what exactly is going on in the text, and when I do so--it's awesome. Kudos.
"The power of your eyes unnerve my shoes they shake me so much." -- scrap it. It doesn't sound good, and it's in a voice that doesn't coincide with the rest of the poem. Plus, unnerving shoes? Eh.
The next sentence strikes me as if you were throwing in excess words to take up syllables in the line. Don't do this! You don't want deadwood at all. You can add stuff in the sentence, or elsewhere without the beginning of this sentence. Get rid of the "almost" and the "simply"--maybe add an "of" after "because." I would put a semi-colon after "knowing" in the 11th line. Otherwise, "touched mine" sounds funky. Anyway, the best part of this description is the last part--protected green, a forest hidden. Oh man. I love that. One problem I'd say here is inconsistency--I am aware that the ocean is often green, but these two colors are conflicting, which kinda bothered me. It'd be a shame to scrap either of them, so don't. Hmm. Tough. Maybe it's just me, but the color difference bothered me--at first, I saw the eyes as blue, and then I saw them as green.
The last part of this stanza is a little weak. There are other, more elegant ways you can talk about your possible future of friendship and possible love. You may want to use an image or metaphor or some such that is consistent with your nature-like theme (forests and oceans). Maybe mountains?
As for looking away, you should scrap the "yet I look away." Just leave the last one, because it's more of a kick. If you precede it with the same line, then there's no point in separating it from the rest of the poem, or even repeating it. I like how you left it dangling at the end of the sonnet, but only use it once.
Hope this was helpful. I really liked this--it's a love-ish poem (trepidations toward possible friendship/love), am I correct? The topic is usually trite, but, like I said, you put a fresh spin on it. Don't give up on this!
- Bob
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